By, Sierra Gray, CSW
Have you ever heard of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? Fawning is a common but less frequently talked about response to traumatic experiences that looks like trying to keep others happy, or putting other people’s needs first in order to survive an unsafe experience. In my work as a therapist, I’ve seen this pattern continue long after the original experience is over, leaving people feeling burned out and unsure of what they want after spending so long focused on accommodating other people’s needs and feelings.
Signs your people pleasing may be a trauma response
While not all people pleasing stems from trauma, people pleasing may be a trauma response when it feels automatic, difficult to stop, or driven by a fear of conflict, rejection, or disappointing others. If keeping others happy in the past helped reduce conflict, create a sense of safety, or preserve important relationships, the nervous system may have learned that pleasing others is the safest option.
People pleasing behaviors can look like:
- Saying yes to extra work when you’re already overwhelmed
- Avoiding setting boundaries, even when you need them
- Frequently apologizing to keep the peace
- Taking care of others while ignoring your own needs
While people pleasing may have helped you avoid conflict in the short term, consistently putting others’ needs ahead of your own can leave you feeling anxious and exhausted.
How to stop being a "people pleaser"
When people pleasing is a trauma response, healing often means slowly learning that feeling responsible for keeping everyone else happy isn’t the only way to feel safe. It can help to recognize that these behaviors developed for a reason and protected you in the past, even if they’re no longer serving you today. Learning how to set boundaries can help you build relationships that feel safe and energizing rather than draining. Practicing small acts of putting your own needs first, even if someone feels disappointed, can help your nervous system learn that disappointment isn’t the same as danger. A compassionate, trauma-informed therapist can provide support as you explore these experiences and practice new ways of relating to yourself and others.
Hope for the future
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, it does not mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean your nervous system learned a way to stay safe during difficult experiences. With awareness and support, it is possible to build relationships based on authenticity and mutual respect rather than fear and accommodation.
Are you in Utah or Idaho? If these patterns resonate with you, I’d love to meet with you!
Sources:
Martin, M. (2025). Fawn response: The trauma survival pattern that’s mistaken for kindness. CPTSD Foundation.
Sierra Gray, CSW, believes deeply in her clients' ability to change the parts of their lives that aren't working. She works with tweens, teens, young adults, and adults on issues ranging from anxiety and OCD to grief, trauma, and self-esteem. Sierra sees clients in person in Spanish Fork, Utah, and via telehealth throughout Utah and Idaho. When she's not in the therapy room, she enjoys tennis, pickleball, hiking, and piano.
