By, Rachel Thornton
I recently did a podcast on perfectionism and the host happened to ask what this might look like in children and how to help them challenge perfectionism (you can find the episode here). I was reminded how pivotal our language is with children and how we can unintentionally feed perfectionistic frameworks to our most vulnerable minds.
Four things we can do to help combat perfectionism with our children.
1. Understand what perfectionism is and what it sounds like
Justin Dyer defined perfectionism this way:
“How we feel about ourselves when we don’t meet our standards or when we make mistakes.”
Key distinctions- perfectionism ties our actions or “standards” to our feelings about ourselves. Meaning, our worth is on the line with perfectionism.
How does this sound?
Your child gets a grade they’re disappointed in and says:
“I’m such an idoit.”
“Ahh, if I wasn’t so lazy that wouldn’t have happened.”
“If I was smart like (blank name) I would’ve gotten an A.”
“I can’t do anything right.”
Note, the grade didn’t bring a mere disappointing feeling (which is normal), it brought a judgment on them and their identity.
2. Challenge your child’s untruthful speech with truth. Teach them through your speech
When your child hits their sibling, lies to you for three weeks straight, hits another car while driving due to carelessness, fails a test for a second time, etc. What words do you say? Outside of soothing their uncomfortable feelings, what words do you say about them as a person?
We are the bigger, wiser, stronger adult to verbally remind them:
- When they hit, that is is disappointing. And they are not a disappointment. Tell them this.
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When they lie to you, that is hurtful and confusing. There are consequences, and they are of no less worth to you for that mistake. Tell them this.
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When they hit a car while driving, that is scary. And there are consequences for their carelessness. And you love them the same. Their act does not touch your love or high regard for them. Tell them this.
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When they fail their test again, that this does not touch how “smart” or “hardworking” they are a person are. They’re allowed to not pass a test 100x. Tell them this.
Do we like seeing our children make mistakes or fail? Of course not. But if we’re leaning into truth, we’ll allow them to happen because that’s human. They have never been 8 or 16 or 25 or 40 yrs old before. Let them.
3. Challenge your untruthful speech with truth. Teach your children through your actions and words.
When you’re driving and almost hit another driver due to your own mistake, do you say aloud, “Wow! What is wrong with me!?” or when your child does something that boils your blood and you snap, raise your voice, and say some rude things to them, do you berate yourself for what a “bad parent” you are?
Do you see your moments as moments that have nothing to do with you as an overall person?
Do you speak to yourself as if you have the same worth, value, and love?
Our children are being taught how to speak to themselves by how they hear you speak to yourself. What are they indirectly learning from you?
You have never been a parent before, let yourself make mistakes, apologize, and move on.
4. Study and understand where your worth actually comes from.
If your child thinks their worth comes from how athletic they are and if they make the elite baseball team, we need to correct this. But do you know what you’re helping them replace this incorrect belief with?
Great question.
Are you willing to do your own study on this? Your understanding of your worth is vital to support your child in understanding theirs.
(Knowing Who You Are, by Kevin J. Worthen; You Matter to Him, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf; Choices for Eternity, by Russell M. Nelson; and Know Who You Really Are, by Brik V. Eyre)
Together, we can help raise a more forgiving and compassionate generation in challenging perfectionism.
Source:
Dyer, J. (2024, December). Are Latter-day Saints perfectionists? BYU Studies Quarterly. https://byustudies.byu.edu/article/are-latter-day-saints-perfectionists
Rachel Thornton, LCSW, believes people are inherently good and capable of meaningful change when met with compassion and understanding. Her passion for supporting individuals with perfectionism tendencies and anxiety led her to opening Reframe Therapy. Outside of work, she loves boating in the summer and dreaming of boating in the winter.
